Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
