i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
