Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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