gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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