Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
