we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
