so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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