I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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