tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
