my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
