I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
