He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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