She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
