Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
