bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
