the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
