so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
