If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
