i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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