dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
