Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
