He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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