Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
