Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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