you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
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