i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
