FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
