fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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