dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
