Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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