Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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