In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
