Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
