I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
