2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
