wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
