I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
