im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
