I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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