my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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