3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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