1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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