Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
