My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
