"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
