Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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