Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Vodka?
Forever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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