Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
