His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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