I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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