They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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