It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
